Anxiety Diary #1

It's 1:39am and I'm sitting outside on the step. It's slightly drizzling but I'm sitting under the cover, although I can still feel the drizzle landing on my toes. 
I should've worn shoes.

It's 1:39 and I feel like the loneliest person on the planet, I want to escape and go somewhere away from here but I don't know where to go or if it'll even help.

Anxiety has gotten the better of me over the last couple of weeks, and I can feel myself slowly slipping deeper into an anxious spiral that I know won't end well. 

It's now 1:43am and the drizzle has eased a bit. There are cars and buses going past every few minutes and for once it's very calming being able to hear something other than my thoughts or my sobbing.

The rain is my favourite. As much as I love warm weather, there's nothing more soothing than hearing the rain fall onto the roof. Right now I can hear it dripping onto the floor from a broken gutter pipe. Rain is soothing and calming, and if it didn't feel like 2 degrees out here I would happily crawl up into a ball and doze off. Is that weird? I feel like that's weird.. 

The drizzle is getting harder again and my toes are taking the full brunt of it. I really should've dressed more appropriately. 

I still want to escape, I still want to run and just not think about where I'm going, but the more I sit and think about it, the more I realise I'm not trying to run away from something here, more trying to run away from my anxiety, and there's no car or train or plane that can make me escape from my anxiety. That scares me, it really does. But I can't let it win, I won't let it win. 

It's now 1:52am - my toes are telling me it's time to get back into bed. 
Until tomorrow, anxiety..

Michelle xo