Blogmas day five is something a little different, and something that was unplanned and written at midnight when I had a few thoughts going through my mind...
Back to normal blogmas tomorrow! Enjoy..
This morning I lay in bed and did my usual routine of watching Vlogmas on YouTube. I watched Alfie's vlog (PointlessBlog) and then I watched Zoe's (Zoella)
Zoe's vlog was full of fun and laughter as usual, but towards the end she talked about her anxiety and it really made me think about my own anxiety (click here to watch her vlog)
She talked about the type of anxiety she had, and how some people don't understand anxiety. I sat and had a good think about anxiety after her video, so I decided I would write a post about it..
My first anxiety episode.
I remember sitting on the couch in the lounge at 3am, with the main lights on, sitting in a dead silent room. But it wasn't quiet. I had a million thoughts going through my head that even a dead silent room was far too loud. I remember my heart racing and my palms getting sweaty and I felt like I was going to pass out. My breathing got heavier and I felt like I was outside my body.
Thinking I was having a heart attack or dying, I ran to my mums room and woke her up.
I don't exactly remember the trip from her room back to the lounge, but the next thing I remember is sitting on the floor with my mum telling me to take deep breathes in and out. Her voice was calming, and it wasn't long before I had tears streaming down my face wondering what had just happened.
And that's when I met Anxiety.
Now back to Zoe's vlog - she talked about her anxiety and what triggers it. I sat and thought about it for a while.
I get two 'types' of anxiety (for lack of a better word)
My main anxiety is when I'm alone - but not alone like walking around a mall, or spending a day at home alone. My type of 'alone' anxiety is when I'm faced with a situation that I know I'll have nobody I know to help me.
I travel around the country for work, and I'll get extreme anxiety leading up to the flight. I'm not afraid of the flight, nor the work. I'm afraid of being in a place where I know nobody and where my safety (aka my loved ones) are hundred of miles away from me.
My second anxiety is when I feel trapped, or like I can't get out of something. This makes working tough - I had a job where I would go to work, and when asked to do another shift I would agree, but then I feel like I can't get out of it - like I'm now trapped. I ended up getting to a point of bad anxiety that I stopped showing up for work.
That's when I figured out anxiety was taking over my life. I was skipping work and eventually I ended up leaving (under strong advise from the company)
I couldn't be a human, I was walking anxiety.
I took myself to see a councillor - she was helpful and lovely.
I saw her for a while, a long while. She helped me, but I know one day I'll need to seek more help.
Growing up I knew nothing about anxiety, I knew about depression as my mum had it, but not anxiety.
It's hard to understand if you've never had it or seen someone with it. It's easy to sit there and judge people with anxiety and to say 'well you can do this so you don't have anxiety' or 'this person has anxiety but they can do it' but everyone is different and everyone has their own battles in life.
If you don't know about anxiety or would like more information - Google is a really helpful tool. Even I have learnt things from it! The more people know, the more they can help others around them.
No matter whether you have anxiety or not - just remember this...